Many think this but who speaks it?
I wrote this song on Christmas Day 25th December 2019. Later I thought that was typical as many around the globe celebrate Jesus’ birthday on that exact date and here I was singing about how no baby was born from my womb. As I spent Christmas with my cat I took the time to make a list of all the things I was grateful for. In the year that had past my writersblock was lifted after three years and music returned to me embracing me like a long lost pal. There was a lot to be grateful for.
Christmas Day made me ponder about how some people make babies and I make music. I realised ‘having’ children comes natural to some but for others it can be a rollercoaster filled with hope, sadness and in the worst case unfulfilled wishes. And then there are those who have no wish to reproduce, for whatever reason. Each and every one of us will have a different experience.
In childhood I suffered from mental abuse, mind control and neglect and there was so much I needed to learn but never did. Because of this I decided from early on that I would not have children. I even wrote it in my diary as a reminder for my grown-up self. Today I am a concious woman, a creative singer and my heart is warm and open but the motto “I shall not have children myself” belongs to the child I once was. The child that wanted to make sure her childhood experiences would not be repeated or passed on to another. After spending many years in therapy I know I need a lot of time and energy to heal myself in this lifetime. Through the years I’ve been learning to embrace my emotions, learn how to set my boundaries with others and how to experience more happy moments, slowly but surely. But I still need more time for me.
In my heart of hearts, I would have wanted to carry a child, give birth and be a supportive mother in my own little family. With the cards I’ve been dealt this lifetime it is my intellectual decision to not be a parent and at the same time I mourn the children I will never have, that special bond I will never share. Seeing friends with their babies can be painful and I try to move through the emotions as best I can. Seeing my friends children grown up sometimes also makes me mourn my own childhood. The things I wished for myself, that I never had.
I could have made a child but I didn’t. I made music instead. I Could Have Made a Child is now the title track of my new EP that was released 18th September, almost 9 months after it was written. It also coincides with the World Childless Week and I just love the synchronicity in all of this.
I’ve been writing songs since I was 9 years old and as always my songs help me deal with my emotions. I share my music in the hopes that it may soothe others as well. This song is for anyone whose heart suffers because of childlessness, no matter the story, causes or reasons behind it. I hope it reaches your heart, comforts you and ultimately makes you feel less alone.
I could have made a child I have the body for it I could have made a child And it would be grown by now I've got the hips, the womb The loving heart I could have made a child I could have made a child And I could've fed it peaches I could have made a child And taught it to rise each day To stay close to its own heart Find strength in vulnerability I could have made a child But all this time I have spent Making myself a happier person All this time I have spent 'Cause I needed more time For me I could have made a child And written songs about it I could have made a child And hear how it sings Could've caressed it and blessed it With all my creativity Yes, I could have made a child But all this time I have spent Making myself a happier person All this time I have spent 'Cause I needed more time For me I could have made a child